Of mustaches and girlkind.
The Sweetest Thing | Camera Obscura
My childhood was rather on the dark, bitter spectrum of the Lisa Frank rainbow. I grew up as both: a) one of the boys and b) the loner type. Girlkind was a race that I generally had little patience for.
Why I hated girls
High school was an awkward time for everyone: puberty, raging hormones, juvenile pseudo-romances. It was also the time when girls started being and looking like girls, evolving into more complex female forms and soon enough, they were classified into posses. There are the more tolerable ones like those whose limbs are conjoined when headed to bathrooms to prettify themselves with pounds of lip gloss. Of course there’s the usual gossipmonger posse types. There were also the queen bee types of posses who exchange each other’s boyfriends every now and then. Every high school has that.
And I, I was the girl who cannot be bothered.
Being enrolled in a high school that’s infamous for housing pretentious rich kids with pa-cool tendencies, there are numerous things I can hate about girlkind. The worst I couldn’t stand was that incessant need for gossiping and backstabbing on a daily/hourly basis. I mean, I’m guilty of the said crime too but I don’t go around bitching about everyone on clockwork.
Maybe this stems out from mother issues, or that girls-hate-other-girls theory, which is true in my case. I tend to judge girls on instant (something I need to work on). I’m usually found hating my close guy buddies’ girlfriends upon introduction, cause I’m protective of my guy friends like that. But then I get to know them, and hostile turns to acceptance, on most cases.
Let’s retrograde, shall we.
I hung out with a pretty good bunch and I could say that theirs are the only faces I would like to see again after high school. We talked about actual stuff like books and movies and current events, but there was a lot of gossip that I couldn’t stand as well. I was the girl spacing out during lunch time conversations, playing around with that sorry excuse of a side dish on my plate. I didn’t give a fuck about whatshis/herface because people in my school generally didn’t interest me. Africa was more interesting.
I was the quiet girl who never recites, even if she knows the answer. I was the aloof, loner type who discreetly listens to rock, which is why I sort of became the one-of-the-boys type. My guy seatmates and I would exchange CDs and we’d print out lyrics (haha, how lame). Mornings were greeted with high fives and mentioning song titles we listened to on the radio (NU107 at that time HAHA). I didn’t have the girl best friend that every girl had to have, as dictated by those Clean and Clear commercials.
- I felt like Daria with Tom, but without a Jane.
Then I had my first boyfriend. First. You all know what happens when you date someone for the first time. Your life revolves around your significant other, to the point of sickening strangulation. We had a lot in common, talked about things I’ve been dying to talk about with real people, like the books I read, art, music I like, photography, films. I didn’t feel the need to socialize and make new friends or girl friends because there was The Boyfriend who provides all the conversations I wanted and also doubles as a shopping partner when needed. Who else could I need? Right.
My idea of girl friends when I was growing up. Hey, admit it, these girls were awesome.
That lasted until the early years of college. I realized that I lacked female friends (or friengs in general) when my boyfriend fled the scene. I needed someone to talk to, who liked the same things that I liked, who’d listen to me gripe about boys and girly issues and would tell me if my outfit looked matronly. I wanted to have someone to shop with! I wanted to be a less-girly Cher in Clueless with a Dione and Pi. I wanted to go on spontaneous adventures and to have someone to call and drag to places and events on a whim. But then, I got stuck with my guy college friends whom I hung out with on a daily basis… let me share a little anecdote:
One day in school, when I attempted to make an effort in my self-image, wore a skirt and actually put some make-up on
Me: Hey!
Guy friend: Bakit may green yung mata mo?
Me: Uh.
Guy friend: Bakit ka naka make-up?
(inside I wanted to die and push my friend out the window from the 11th floor and shout TANGINA BABAE AKO!)
Me: *awkward silence*
My guy friends think I’m a guy. Maybe I have a penis attached somewhere that only they can see, I don’t know.
A bajillion girlkind years later (which is now)
I’m in a good place. For the first time in my life, I’m actually loving college. I love my friends. I’m also lucky to have found the most amazing girl friends whom I’ve been always devoid of. I don’t know how the hell that happened. It’s like I woke up one morning and “Oh, I have friends!”. I thank the freaking heavens that they are there.
Angela - My ever-present, awesome girl best friend who’s my travel buddy, shopping partner and personal fashion stylist. My first ever female friend whom I was able to actually talk to about the things I like and who would patiently listen to me gripe about boys/jerks. Our birthdays are exactly a month apart, and I believe that somewhere in some astral plane we are twins. We are Daria and Jane. I miss you already!
Joanna and Tina – We have nothing in common, I swear. But I find this remarkable because they are so patient with me and they listen to me whine endlessly with a smile on their faces. They’re always there to back me up in my classes when I would slack off to no end. I couldn’t have passed some of my subjects without these two.
IC – We don’t always see each other but when we’re together, we’re together. :) She’s one of the first girl friends I’ve made in college. We’ve made our first trip to Cubao and Anonas together, and we love eating and being pigs. I miss you and our adventures!
Mela – We are mutual when it comes to feeling misplaced and disappointed (sometimes) in CSB. Mela’s one of the nicest and kindest people I’ve met in school, and one of my favorite people to become classmates with. :)
Sisa – I’ve always wanted a girl friend who shared the same passion for the arts (and many other things) as I do. Her energy and enthusiasm for art is inspiring. She’s someone who makes things happen, and one of my partners with Explotar! and a fellow Noriter honeybread fiend. :)
Nicole – I’ve only gotten to know her recently and it’s amazing how we just have so much interests in common that our conversations last for hours. She’s my movie buddy on Wednesday nights, and my soon-to-be shopping partner/kitchen buddy. If there was one person I’ve made so much plans with in such a short span of time, it would be her!
Rai - Rai is one of the smartest and most entertaining people I know. We both share a love for geeky dorks, Daria and beef tapa. She is my go-to girl when I spazz out with guys and want to vomit! :)
Erin – One of the most creative and talented people I know, and she does not know it. I love hanging out with her and taking pictures in places I’ve never been before. She’s my resident film buff friend with an insane dvd collection. She is living proof that you can really meet extraordinary people in the internet. :)
I remain hostile to the other females walking the earth, but I’m both happy and lucky with the bunch I’ve surrounded myself with. :)
explotar!
Sisa, Joey and I just started an independent zine!
01. to expand with force and noise because of rapid chemical change or decomposition, as gunpowder or nitroglycerine (opposed to implode).
02. to burst, fly into pieces, or break up violently with a loud report
03. to burst forth violently or emotionally, esp. with noise, laughter, violent speech, etc
04. a Manila-based, independent, makeshift black-and-white art magazine-folio featuring everyone’s wonderful junk, released monthly.
contribute to explotar!
We are accepting contributions for our first Explotar! issue (January – February). Send in your black-and-white photos, illustrations, literature (essays, poems, short stories), gig schedules and anything you think is worth featuring. Read our letter to contributors
Email your contributions to: explotarmagazine@gmail.com
I remember when I was a kid I used to have that feeling of smallness when I’m surrounded with twenty-somethings. I remember having that impression of them being mature, self-assured and capable of the world. I’ve never felt that about myself until this year, starting this. Finally, we feel like were doing something with our lives. It’s about time!
We’re still working out all the production kinks and we’re all really excited to release it. We’ve been receiving beautiful submissions from a lot of people, especially our friends who continue to give their unwavering support, even if they’re not entirely sure what the hell we’re doing. Haha.
If you’re reading this, please check out Explotar! Tumblr and the Explotar website for more information. Oh, and please advertise with us! We really need advertisers because we’re poor and we need funds to produce. Thank you!
Art talk.
This is a photo I took of my friend, Tina. We were hanging out on my friend's roof one afternoon.
I haven’t made anything in ages, and I’m quite pleased to find myself at this new phase. I’m really into collage, lo-fi, vintage art these days.
Today I’ve just deleted PSD files of my old work. I have lost fondness for most of them. Change is good.
I like change.
Meet my friends.
This is our ancestral stove. It’s probably older than me.
We cook in our garage. (heh. kidding)
This is our faucet. It’s where water comes out, yes.
This is our cactus plant. I’ve never watered this thing. Ever.
This is our clothes hanger. This is where I hang my panties to dry, I guess.
This is our curtains. It keeps the sunlight away so the inside of my house looks so melodramatic.
These are my pets. They’re very domesticated, you see. And they SPARKLE. Haha.
—
It’s the fourth day of my “term break” and I decided to stay at home today. I haven’t got much of a life lately.
It gets lonely though, sometimes.
I want to be a spectator.
Else, if (because sadly, life does not always go the way I had planned it in my head, with you dear.)
It’s like being a news journalist, documenting the world’s unions and pitfalls, but of the heart. Capable, but not permitted to express any opinion or feeling. Just facts and observations, collecting tiny details inside my head and piecing them together to form a comprehensive piece of data, a kind of love that I will remember, that will never hurt, or have any tangible effect on my life. Just an idea swimming inside my head, making its way inside my mechanical body, numbing my unsettled, crippled heart and replacing the human need for the genuine article.
This is the kind of love I’ll ever need.
Pardon this sudden outburst of clusterfuckery. I am going crazy.